Asking for a friend: Am I the bad cop, or the only cop?

I love my partner, but his son has never been taught responsibility or discipline. He doesn't clean up after himself, and he doesn't care to. I try to tell him what to do, but my partner has PTSD from his ex, so he won't back me up or help. I just don't know what to do.

Signed, The bad cop or the only cop in this situation

Ugh, this is a tough one. Parenting is hard enough when everyone's on the same page (if that ever actually happens). Add in the weight of someone else's past, the fear of upsetting your partner, and the frustration of being the only one setting boundaries, and suddenly it's about a lot more than a messy room.

Here's where I'd start: I don't think this is really a problem with his son. I think it's a problem between you and your partner.

He's a kid. He's going to push boundaries, avoid chores, and see what he can get away with. That's not exactly breaking news. But he needs consistent expectations, and you shouldn't be the only adult establishing them.

And here's the harder part. You can love someone, understand their trauma, and be sensitive to what they've been through without becoming responsible for managing the fallout.

How long can you hold your breath to keep someone else comfortable before you start gasping for air?

I'd start with a conversation with your partner, not his son. Have it when things are calm, not in the middle of another frustrating moment. Make it clear you're on the same team. You're not asking him to choose sides or ignore his past. You're asking him to help establish reasonable expectations and support them. Ideally, he should be leading those conversations with his son, not leaving you to enforce everything.

His trauma deserves compassion. Your needs deserve consideration, too. Those two things can exist at the same time.

Because the goal isn't to figure out how to be a better bad cop. It's to stop being put in that position in the first place.

Club, have you ever found yourself parenting someone else's child without the support of their parent? What would you tell her?

Take what works. Skip what doesn't.