No Such Thing Club
You tried gratitude, it didn’t fix it.
Neither did the reset, the routine, choosing joy, drinking more water, or manifesting harder. You did the work. All of it.
But you’re not fixed. So you start wondering if maybe you’re the problem.
You didn’t fail. You were sold something that didn’t exist.
So I made something that does.
From the Club
Same bullshit. Different page.
You know the moment. Someone asks what you're grateful for and something in your chest goes tight, because the honest answer is I am holding eleven things together with my hands and I would like to put one down.
But you can't say that. So you say your kids. Your health. Coffee.
And then you feel worse, because now you've lied about your own life to a journal.
This is the one that doesn't do that to you.
Sometimes life just fucking sucks. Sometimes things aren't fair, aren't your fault, and aren't fixable with deep breathing and a positive attitude.
Sometimes you need to scream. Or break something.
This journal is for that.
What it actually is
The Anti-Gratitude Journal starts from where you are instead of where a wellness influencer decided you should be. The prompts don't ask you to reframe. They don't ask you to find the lesson. They ask what happened, what it cost you, and what you'd like to stop carrying.
Sometimes the answer is funny. Sometimes it's ugly. Both are allowed here, which is the entire point.
You are not required to arrive at hope by the bottom of the page.
Why you'll want it
The prompts assume you're an adult. No "list three wins." No smiley faces. Questions that respect that your life is complicated and you already know it.
It works on bad days. Most journals are built for the version of you who has time and perspective. This one is built for 11pm, in bed, annoyed.
Nothing to keep up with. No streaks, no habit tracker, no empty pages judging you from January.
It's funny. Not comedy-club funny. The kind that makes you exhale.
You can hand it to a friend. She'll know exactly why you gave it to her.
Details
96 prompts. None of them ask what you’re grateful for.
101 pages, acid-free
8.5 x 11 inches. Full size, so you can actually write
Lay-flat binding, stays open while you write
Matte soft-touch cover
The cover reads F*ck This Shit: A Journal for When Gratitude Isn’t Cutting It
Printed in the US, packed and shipped by me, not a warehouse
Free shipping in the US
Every order ships with a card from the Club
Gifting
If you're buying this for someone, you already know why. She's the one who says she's fine in a tone that means she's not, who did everything right and is quietly furious that it didn't work. This lands as recognition, not advice. That's rare, and she'll notice.
You don't have to be grateful today. You're allowed to just write it down.
You don’t have to find the bright side here.
An honest, sweary journal for the thoughts you edit before saying out loud. Open anywhere, write what’s true, and skip whatever doesn’t land. No gratitude homework. No pressure to turn it into a lesson.
A Monarch Caterpillar's Chicken Nugget.
Behind every monarch is a weed nobody thanked. Milkweed is the only thing a monarch caterpillar can eat, and it gets called a weed for its trouble. Plant it anyway.
You fed everyone in the house today, except possibly yourself. Here's one more mouth, and it's the easiest one you'll feed all year: milkweed is a monarch's chicken nugget. No substitutions, no “just try one bite.”
You might've forgotten your lunch, but you remembered the monarchs.
These are handmade recycled-paper seed balls packed with common milkweed seed. Orange and black, because the monarchs set the dress code. Twelve to a carton, each one packed with the one plant a monarch can’t live without. Throw them somewhere sunny that’s yours, October through January, and let winter do the rest. Milkweed seed needs a cold, wet season before it will wake up, so those are the right months to plant. That makes you the rare person whose timing is perfect.
Nothing will happen for months. That's not failure, that's the plan. Come spring, you get green. By the second or third summer you get flowers. If you're lucky, you get a striped caterpillar eating the whole thing down to the stem. That's also the plan.
You don't have to fix the planet. You can plant one thing a butterfly actually needs. That counts.
How to plant
Plant October through January. Pick a sunny spot with bare soil, somewhere a tall plant is allowed to spread. Press each ball halfway into the soil. Don't bury it. Water once. Walk away. Look for sprouts when the soil warms in spring.
Planting in spring instead? Put the balls in a bag with a damp paper towel and leave them in the fridge for 30 days first. That fakes the winter.
Details
What's in the pack
Gift carton of 12: twelve seed balls in a carton with monarchs on the lid, ready to hand to someone. It's the gift you don't have to wrap.
Box of 6: six seed balls in a plain kraft box with monarch stickers.
Mixed gift pot of 24, while the pots last: twelve of these plus twelve wildflower seed balls, in one kraft gift pot.
What's in the balls
Common milkweed seed (Asclepias syriaca), native to the eastern and central US, rolled by hand into orange and black recycled paper. Smaller than the wildflower balls on purpose: one kind of seed needs less room.
Six or more seeds in every ball, from seed that tested at 84% germination. Five live seeds per spot, for a plant that needs one.
Made by hand in Fairview Park, Ohio.
What it grows into
A perennial. Full sun. Grows 3 to 5 feet tall and spreads by underground runners, so give it room.
Shipping
Free US shipping on orders over $15. We ship these east of the Rockies only, where common milkweed belongs. Every order ships with a card from the Club.
Good to know
Milkweed sap is toxic if eaten and irritates eyes. Plant it away from pets that chew and animals that graze, and wash your hands after handling broken stems. The monarchs don't mind. It's how they became poisonous too.
Good for
The friend who needs to throw something and would like it to matter. The gardener who has everything except caterpillars. Teachers, grandparents, and the kid who won't stop talking about butterflies. Anyone who wants proof by next summer that they did one good thing.
Want flowers by summer instead? The wildflower pollinator mix is here.
Want different flowers, natives for where you live, a different planting season, or a batch for a wedding? Email hello@nosuchthingclub.com and tell me what you want.
Milkweed or Nothing.
Milkweed is the only thing a monarch caterpillar can eat, and it gets called a weed for its trouble. Plant it anyway.
• NEW FROM THE CLUB •
Shirts for short fuses and very particular caterpillars
• NEW FROM THE CLUB • Shirts for short fuses and very particular caterpillars
One minor inconvenience away from losing it. The dishwasher’s full, the permission slip is due today, and the coffee went cold an hour ago. You’re fine. Mostly.
The line comes from prompt 96, the last question in the Anti-Gratitude Journal. The journal asks what matters most. The shirt just tells everyone where you’re at.
Heather Sunset, plus a few in Heather Sage, with black ink and the No Such Thing Club dandelion going to seed. Printed in small batches near Cleveland, not print-on-demand.
Details
Bella+Canvas 3001CVC, unisex fit, so it runs roomier than a women’s cut
52% combed ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester. Imported
Chest, laid flat: S 18 in, M 20 in, L 22 in, XL 24 in, 2XL 26 in
Length: S 28 in, M 29 in, L 30 in, XL 31 in, 2XL 32 in
Lay your favorite tee flat and compare before you pick
Wash cold, inside out. Tumble dry low or hang dry. Don’t iron the print
Packed and shipped by me, not a warehouse
Free US shipping
If you’ve ever been one minor inconvenience away from losing it, it’s for you.
For days when your shirt should do the talking.
No Such Thing Club shirts are here:
“One minor inconvenience away from losing it.”
Consider this fair warning.
The last prompt in the Anti-Gratitude Journal, now on a shirt for the days when you’d rather let your clothes explain.
“Milkweed is a monarch’s chicken nugget.”
For people with strong opinions about caterpillar snacks.
A nod to our milkweed seed balls and the monarch caterpillars they’re made for. Because even the smallest creatures have a preferred menu.
Milkweed is a monarch’s chicken nugget. It’s the only thing a monarch caterpillar can eat. No substitutions, no “just try one bite.” You’re already used to picky eaters.
Everyone loves a monarch. Nobody plants the milkweed. That’s the whole problem, and also the whole job.
Heather Sage with black ink and the No Such Thing Club dandelion going to seed. Printed in small batches near Cleveland, not print-on-demand.
Details
Bella+Canvas 3001CVC, unisex fit, so it runs roomier than a women’s cut
52% combed ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester. Imported
Chest, laid flat: S 18 in, M 20 in, L 22 in, XL 24 in, 2XL 26 in
Length: S 28 in, M 29 in, L 30 in, XL 31 in, 2XL 32 in
Lay your favorite tee flat and compare before you pick
Wash cold, inside out. Tumble dry low or hang dry. Don’t iron the print
Packed and shipped by me, not a warehouse
Free US shipping
Want to grow the nuggets yourself? The milkweed seed balls are here.
Work With Colleen
For the thing you already know the answer to and still can't do. You don't need more information. You need an hour with someone who won't flinch.
One-on-One Coaching
When you want a person, not an app. One hour, one thing, no silver linings.
Say It Out Loud
A coaching chat that answers back. On your phone, whenever the thing shows up.
No Such Thing Club
No such thing as the woman you’ve been trying to be. No such thing as the practice that fixes it. There is, however, a club.
You don't have to be grateful here. You don't have to be productive, inspiring, healed, or optimistic.
You just have to be honest
The perfectionist in me tried to out-schedule, outwork, and out-organize a brain tumor. Turns out, that doesn’t work. I can tell you exactly when that hit me and what I made when it did.
